Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
