Where did you get a picture of my penis
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
