i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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