wrigley field is MILF paradise
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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