We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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