nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I forget how to act sober
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
