My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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