Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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