If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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