I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
