I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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