Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
