you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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