I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Randomize
