Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
only if we run a train.
done.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
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Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
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My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I am one with the molecules
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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