Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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