I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
