as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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