i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
