hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
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I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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