We're like a lot better than the average bears
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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