A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
being pregnant is like rehab
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
