i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
