youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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