my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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