I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
