He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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