So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
