Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
