When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
