I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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