She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
