; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
