Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
