i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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