I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
