Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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