Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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