I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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