Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
