So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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