This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
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i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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