My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
