Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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