I murdered the dance floor call the cops
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
