Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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