genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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