you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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