Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Life without a bra equals bliss.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
