Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
