God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
