i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
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something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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