I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
