Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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