I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
