the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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