The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
