This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
