i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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