Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.