I'm jealous of your bromance
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
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I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.